Preface - be prepared to see the inner monologue I have in my brain at least once a week.
I have had an abundance of time to sit alone with my head. The thoughts never really stop and neither do the constant self-revelations. The way I consider myself is constantly changing, contradictory perceptions flowing in and out of my mind. But, there are some things that I am certain of (at least during this exact moment of time). I am an incredibly stupidly sensitive person. Don't quote me on that, though. I saw someone online describe themselves in that way, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Everything that I feel is felt so terribly and intensely. I think about what I feel, and then I go and feel some more. Sometimes I love being such a sensitive, emotional little bitch because it often leads to passion. I am incredibly passionate for love, for friends, for being human at my core, and for life (sometimes). There is another quote I once saw that I can't stop thinking about: "What is the point of lukewarm love if I am not drowning in it? I have no desire for it." I need to feel the entirety of every emotion or else I don't consider it a true emotion. But having such intense highs can only mean there are devastating lows. I feel heartbreak at every turn in life, whether it is from my first love, a tragic novel, or simply seeing an old man living his life. I've grown accustomed to the familiar aching feeling, and oddly enough, I almost crave it. I don't feel like me if I am not in a current state of heartbreak, and perhaps it is for this fixation that I still can't seem to move on fully past the idea of my first love. So, yes, it is certain that I am an incredibly stupidly sensitive person.
I am also certain that I am a good person who deserves to be loved as deeply as I love others (Sidebar - though as I think about this more, there are some things that I have done that would NOT support the claim that I am a good person. More about this later, though). I try not to talk badly about people. I am genuinely interested in learning more about other people. I like to share stories of my life with others. I think I am a good person. I hope others would consider me a good person. I want to be a good person.
But there are so many other things I am constantly internally disputing. Am I a writer? A writer is someone who writes. I enjoy writing down my thoughts. I constantly jot down onto my phone the mental quotes that I just cannot let slip away. I write this blog weekly. But am I a writer? I don't usually like to consider myself a writer because when I think of who and what a writer is, I imagine the captivating words they are able to magically produce from their creative brain. Although I write down words, I am not a writer. A writer is all that I am not. Although, I hope one day I will be able to consider myself one. I hope to also be able to conjure beautiful prose and breathtaking language that a writer would write. I would also like to be a poet. I write poems that no one will ever read so I am a poet by definition, but I am no poet by heart. In my mind, poetry is something made of magic; something to pacify the edge of my brain late at night when my thoughts refuse to calm. I love to read poetry, and sometimes when I get intensely in my feelings I try and convey those emotions by writing my own.
I am a cook, but I am no chef. I am an avid reader, but I cannot stomach my way through certain classics. I love to sleep and live in my dreams, but I am never able to go to bed early. I am a motivated student, but I procrastinate my homework. I aspire to have a good profession, but the thought of applying to internships fills me with dread. I feel so alive and am constantly living, but I feel lost and the thought of being nothing is sometimes one of comfort. Everything that I am is also all that I am not. Life itself holds so many juxtapositions; the state of being can be so contradictory. I've learned to not restrict myself into any descriptions, as I can be everything and nothing all at once. Life should just happen, and it is so much more freeing when I stop trying to explain who I am and what I am because I am everything and nothing. And that is perfectly okay with me.
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